THE WEEN

Ingredients:
3 A-DAT 8-track tape recorders Some guitars
Bass guitar
Drumkit
Boss TR808 beat box
Whammy Pedal
"Old electro harmonics stuff..." "A bunch of other assorted shit..."

Eating time: 54.57 minutes
Eating Temperature: maximum

Method:

(Try and guess which words have been changed!)

Hook up three 8-track A-DAT frying pans ("which kinda fucking suck", says top chef Dean Ween) to make your very own improvised home studio 24-track DAT megapan. Master Chefs Dean and Gener only recently developed this method using the advance for the Pure Guava recipe (Pure Guava being the previous recipe, available fresh from your local vinyl stockist or tinned from Sainsbury's desert section. I would recommend it fresh, as it tastes miles better, the tinned stuff has real killer tooth wrenching stones in the middle, and there's way too much juice

anyway. It's also extremely messy to eat off your turntable) Enough of that shit anyway...The Ween used to use a solitary 4-track frying pan which is now used in the early stages of the recipe to check it for potential yumminess. Dean:

"We have 4-track versions of all these morsels and if we put them together on a platter, they'd probably be like Pure Guava or something..."

Start work on the individual morsels that make up this gorgeous dish. This'll probably work best if you follow Dean's own instructions as follows. Incidentally, him and Gener for their 'Pod' recipe made much use of Scotchguard powered bongs at this stage of the method. Obviously, it's important that to fully replicate the Ween's taste sensation, you must use the right methods. So how do you make a Scotchguard powered bong, Deaner?

"Scotch powered bongs? Aaaah Maan! Err, actually, we never made a Scotch powered bong! It was all a lie!"

Well fuck me! Just how the hell are we supposed to follow your recipe while being misled in such a way? I always thought those high voices were the dramatic and inhaled results of Scotchguard abuse...

"The high voices I guess are all down to pitch adjustment. We do a lot of pitch adjustment, and a lot of it's just sung high. We use a lot of old electro-harmonics stuff that's really sweet, and just anything and everything. We've got a ton of shit, everything except reverbs generally. We don't use a lot of reverb, we haven't gone through that stage yet."

A new flavour that you might have to hunt around for at the local spice palace is Whammy...

"This record recipe had a lot of Whammy, which is a new creation. It's a pretty amazing device. It's like a foot pedal - you plug something into it and it just blows it into different octaves. That's really fun!"

Following Dean's recommendations as above, the individual pieces can be dropped into the 24-track. When cooked, separate the best lookin' ones for inclusion on the final platter. And don't forget, Do NOT throw away the leftovers, cos Dean has some mean advice for you:

"Usually we make cassettes of our recipes, just everything, and then we pick out the

best. There's so much stuff that you never heard before. We're hoping someday that we do a box set with five or six platters, just nothing but unreleased morsels. I think that'd be pretty awesome!"

Shure would Deaner! Here's how to cook it:

Shallow fry finished version on both sides in oil of BOOGNISH, until cooked and shiny black.

NB. Shallow frying will protect the exterior of the product with a shiny black

coating. For short term improvement of quality, deep fry for ten minutes until silver, and somewhat lacking in size...If you like it Italian style, roll into long fine strand before shallow frying for twenty seconds on both sides and dip into cold water

immediately. This will magnetise the strands. Wind onto spool and insert into plastic case for ease of serving. Deep fried Chocolate and Cheese may deteriorate after time; in some cases holes have appeared in the platter. This of course, is your own fucking fault for bowing down to money grabbers like Sony - go on, suck Satan's cock!! - vinyl lasts longer anyway. Whatever the case though, with all these methods, the high temperature seals the exterior of the nosh. At this stage the moisture content within the platter takes in heat, steam is created which in turn acts as a cooking medium. BOOGNISH oil adds that certain essential flavour, without which the platter would separate on cooking and taste like shit.

To serve:

a) Drain platter well, over the fryer;

b) Remove to turntable, garnish with a stylus on outside rim of platter, and roll a joint / open a beer.

c) To take away: place platter in absorbant paper sleeve and slip inside thick cardboard sleeve to keep warm.

NB. Never use plastic inner sleeves as these are not absorbant, and are basically a pain in the ass - Who needs to contribute to the world's plastic fetish anyway?

d) To get to those teevee junkies who never go down the record emporium, you could try making a video. Here's some of Deaner's suggestions:

"We had a million great video concepts for our record, none of which will see the light of day without serious help from Oliver Stone, and a large financial institution. We wanted to film in Africa, with a nation of tribesman behind us with Paul Simon's head superimposed on every one. No go. We wanted to film our video in a white Bronco with 50 LAPD cars and choppers chasing us, people holding up "go Deaner" signs. Forget it."

Okay, so perhaps big vids are out of the question then, but fuck it, go get a camcorder or super 8 or something and do it punk rock. By the ways, this recipe serves more than enough for everyone, so have an evening in, buy some beers, some hash and yank it up high!