TEN NOTABLE TOILETS

• Sussex Arts Club - Beautiful marble pissoir that’s much too nice to relieve yourself on. Never seen it’s like anywhere.

• Free Butt - Let’s start with the womens’. No locks on the door, puddles on the floor and smelly. However, compared to the blokes’ they’re a bed of roses. I’ve only been in the blokes’ once and that was quite enough thanks.

• Great Eastern - Flowers, expensive tissues and spotless wash basins and floors in the mens’ bog. Fuckin ‘ell, I nearly moved in - it’s a lot cleaner than my bedroom.

• The Goldstone (RIP) - One element of the Seagulls’ ground that I won’t miss is the ‘traditional’ open air bogs which not only means it’s wet when it rains but can be watched by the locals (with powerful binoculars - make that very powerful in my case).

• The Greys - Clean and all that, but it’s the intellectual level of some of the graffiti that’s great. Some of it’s on such a level that it takes several trips to work out it’s meaning.

• Xenons - Yes, let’s make it easier to piss in the wash basin than it is to find the trough! I wonder what the consequences will be...

• Tap and Spile - Apparently the womens’ bogs in the T&S hold a similar attraction to the blokes’ in the Greys - a great line of witty comments to read while you squeeze your kidneys.

• Cobbler’s Thumb - If you enjoy having your thingy (if you’ve got one) shrivel to the size of a maggot then try their marvellous outdoor toilets in the Winter. Maybe that’s what the name of the pub is all about?

• Duke of York’s - Were bloody awful. I went for a waz while pissed when they were getting rid of the old ones and managed to cover myself in urine. However, the new bogs are like submerging into a beautiful grotto.

• The Basement (not RIP) - Wading in piss was merely one of the many charms of that denizen of grott.